Today, I didn’t want to do anything. I’ve felt like this a bit lately, but this morning was the worst. I browsed the Internet until 11am, when I had to start getting things done. This past week, and before that has been pretty hectic and when I get some down time, I’m unmotivated to do anything.
I finally worked for a few hours, and went to the store. I didn’t want to, but we needed (cashew) milk and something to eat for dinner.
After dinner, I put on some mellow/folk music (at this point I’ve had Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah on repeat for the past 2+ hours), colored a mandala, and had a beer. When I was coloring (with colored pencils…because that’s so much more “adult”), I got really sad. Someone at work died last week and I was sad when I found out, but didn’t dwell on it. I didn’t know him well, and I don’t think he would’ve even remembed me, as I haven’t worked in the building in almost 3 years. I starting thinking about him. He was always happy. Always friendly, and always had a smile on his face. I think I’m pretty friendly, especially at work, but he was always smiling. He just had a warmth that was so genuine and personable.
You know how sometimes you’re kind down and just don’t have a reason for it? I finally forced my mind to calm down and I just got sad. It’s so heartbreaking when a good person dies. Everyone is good, but it seems unfair when someone so kind is gone. It’s just the end. Game over. The world moves on. In one sense, it makes me realize that before I know it, I’ll be 85 (hopefully) and think that life has flown by. But at the same time, life moves on. The world doesn’t stop when a good person dies.
I realized that for a while now, I’ve just been going through the motions. I get up, work, spend time with my family, etc. I’m happy, and very grateful for everything and everyone in my life, but I haven’t allowed myself to stop and really feel. Every time I interacted with my coworker, I left smiling, thinking that he was just so kind. I’m sad that he’s just gone.
Am I going to be that significant to someone some day? Am I going to regret all the time I’ve wasted? Will I look back and be proud of how I spent my life? I’ve been so numb lately. Not going anywhere. Not exceptionally happy or sad.
I’ve been so fortunate to mostly avoid death (as in people dying around me) up until pretty recently and I’ve found, I just don’t handle it well. Death is final.